


Like Gold

by glitteringeva



Category: RWBY
Genre: Anxiety, College AU, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of past abuse, Modern AU, a blog as old as time, actually blake is bi too, because of course she is, blake is a literature nerd, blog fic, but it's not nearly as bad as in canon, pen names with lots of meaning, soft bisexuals, soft lesbians, the story doesn't only consist of blog entries, they're just there in between, yang is bi though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-04-30 03:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14487735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitteringeva/pseuds/glitteringeva
Summary: "The Beauty and the Beast has never stopped resonating with me, even when the reason why it did changed. But what if I was wrong all along? What if I'm not the Beauty but the Beast?"It's the start of the new semester, but some old demons never stop haunting Blake. Her blog is the only place where she can allow herself to say things she wouldn't even tell Yang. Especially when her journal entries are about Yang, about all those complicated and confusing feelings that come with not allowing yourself to fall in love with your best friend.





	1. Something Old, Something New

 

> A Blog as Old as Time
> 
> Something Old, Something New
> 
> Friday, July 27th, 10:43pm
> 
> _“Not knowing when the dawn will come_  
>  _I open every door.”_  
>  _― Emily Dickinson_
> 
> Do new beginnings always mean something old has to come to an end? That’s what it feels like right now. Classes start again on Monday and tomorrow my father will help me load the car with all the things I thought would make me feel at bit more at home. I will leave the safe shelter this house was over the summer where it felt like I had finally got rid of my anxiety and not just ran away from it. The end of the summer, the beginning of a new semester.
> 
> It must sound like I’m not looking forward to going back to college, but I am. I will see my friends again (I’ve missed them, despite calling and texting them non-stop over the summer and the trip to New York City with Loreley, Maud Lilly and Mathilda) and I honestly miss studying. Most importantly I’m just glad to leave this town. As safe as I feel when I’m at home, the walls of this room also make me feel trapped. I’ve spent my entire life in here and sometimes it takes me back to being sixteen, unhappy because of so many things that I thought only leaving was the solution to my problems. Spreading my wings for the first time while running from myself and eventually breaking them. Maybe that’s why leaving feels both exciting and terrifying , remembering the last time I brutally crashed.
> 
> I’ll try to update this journal more regularly this time. My therapist said it’s good for me to reflect on my feelings, and last semester I really felt like it made a difference. Weird that tomorrow I’ll already sleep at a new place, that this is the last night I’ll spend in my own bed. The thought is already making me anxious.
> 
> Three good things that happened today:  
>  \- Ordering pizza for dinner and dad trying a piece of my tuna pizza before deciding it’s inedible  
>  \- Finding my very first edition of ‘Fire and Hemlock’ by Diana Wynne-Jones after turning my whole room upside down while searching for it in January (can’t believe I looked in the drawer with my underwear but not under the bed)  
>  \- Loreley finally starting to watch Anne with an E (the new version on Netflix) and not hating it (maybe we can continue watching it together)
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  Belle

 

* * *

 

“Go big or go home.” Yang smiled for the picture Ruby was taking before she dug her spoon into the luscious mountain of whipped cream that was topping her milkshake.

“Remind me to pick the same next time we’re here,” Sun said.

“You’ll get sick.” Weiss’ own milkshake was half the size of Yang’s and she seemed just as stunned as Blake by the insane amounts of sugar Yang and Ruby could consume.

Blake dug her spoon into her apple pie. _Junior’s Diner_ had been their go to spot for going out ever since their first semester. There were countless memories woven into the red and white stripes of the benches, the always sticky table that even Weiss had given up to clean with paper napkins, retro signs from the dollar store and the jukebox with the _Temporarily out of order_ sign that had been there ever since she remembered. Celebrating the end of the exam period, unwinding after a long day of studying in the library and not talking to anyone apart from the librarian, muffled conversations about relationship drama with Yang over a cup of tea. She had missed this place.

“A full Marvel marathon would take us more than twenty hours,” Ruby said when Blake drew her attention back to her friends. “We should just pick our favourites.”

“If everyone picks their favourite we already have about eight movies, depending on who wants to join,” Yang said. “Not counting Weiss because she hasn’t seen a single one.”

“I watched Wonder Woman with Ruby,” Weiss protested, but the only reaction she got was Ruby burying her face in her hands.

Sun stole the cherry on top of Ruby’s milkshake. She never ate it and it had become a game of who could snatch it first between him and Nora. “Not that many. Yang and I can settle on Guardians of the Galaxy, Ruby loves Spider-Man, Blake wants to watch Black Panther. Three movies, that’s doable.”

“Okay, but those aren’t necessarily the ones you have to watch to understand Infinity War,” Ruby said. “What about Civil War?”

“Let her read the Wikipedia summaries. It’s about understanding what makes those movies special, not necessarily the entire plot.” Yang leaned back, taking a break from her half empty monster of a milkshake.

“Wait, how many movies are there?” Weiss looked confused. “I thought it was the last part of a trilogy or something.”

When they left the diner it was almost dark outside. Sun, Ruby and Weiss were still discussing the general concept of comic movie adaptions. Yang and Blake let them walk ahead until their voices were muffled by the distance and Blake felt like she could finally breathe.

“Did you unpack already?” Yang asked. “It’s kinda weird not to have your drawings on the wall anymore.”

“You still have the ones I gave you, unless you left them at home.”

“No, I brought them with me. But it’s not the same.”

“Yeah, it isn’t.” Two years of sharing a room with Yang had made the sudden change even harder. It wasn’t like it had come sudden and for no reason, during their first week of living together Yang had told her she had already promised her sister to share a room with her when she got into college. Of all people Blake was the one supposed to understand Ruby’s anxiety.

“So how is living with Weiss so far?” Yang ran her hands through her hair. It fell over her shoulders in soft, blonde curls. Her hair always looked good, whether she was wearing it in a messy bun or actually put effort into it. It was something Blake had caught herself admiring in awe more than once in the past.

“I’m not used to the room being so tidy. You always let your stuff lying around. But I think we’ll get along.”

“Hey, you never complained.” Yang laughed and nudged her with her elbow. “If you want me to I can come over and leave some of my clothes on your floor, just so it feels like home for you.”

Blake smirked. “Weiss would be so mad.”

“Mad about what?”

Blake looked up. She hadn’t noticed that the others had stopped, waiting where they had to split up to head to different buildings. “Nothing,” Yang quickly said.

“Anyway, it was amazing to see you all again.” Ruby smiled. “I can’t believe you’re all living so close now.”

“Close enough to keep you from handing in your assignments last minute,” Weiss said. “I’ll see you for breakfast tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” Yang waved at them before she left with Ruby, the sunset making her hair shimmer golden.

“It’s good to have you back.” Sun looked at Blake as he said but then turned to face Weiss. “I’ll see you soon. Don’t think you can escape that Marvel marathon, it’s definitely going to happen.”

Weiss rolled her eyes when he had already turned around. “He does know we’re here to study and not to watch movies?”

“And I thought you’d be used to him by now.”

Their dorm room still felt so new that Blake could barely believe she’d soon turn it into her home for the next months. Most of her things were unpacked, but the wall next to her bed still was empty, waiting to be filled with drawings over the course of the semester. Blake lied down on the bed while Weiss finished unpacking her clothes, reaching for the copy of _Fire and Hemlock_ lying on her bedside table even though she didn’t feel like reading it.

“Didn’t you have a mini fridge?” Weiss asked.

“It was Yang’s.”

“We should get one for drinks and snacks. Maybe I can order one from the internet.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Blake put the book on the bedside table again and sat up. “I think I’ll take a shower.”

“Don’t forget your towels.”

Yang would have made a joke about her walking back to her room naked. She missed living with her.

 

* * *

 

The first weekend on campus was Yang’s favourite. It was exciting to see everyone again, and with classes not having started yet everything that was left to do was to catch up with friends and enjoy being back together. Sometimes she felt like it was the only reason why she was coming back.

“You have so many books already.” Yang ran her fingertips over the particularly pretty cover without even reading the title. “Don’t you read the same books again and again anyway?”

“I also read new books.” Blake opened the book she had been holding in her hand and held it to her face. Her eyes were closed and her lips curled up in a soft smile. “Buying a book is something special. You’ll spend so much time between those pages, taking a glimpse into the life of other people, fictional or not. There are so many options and it’s so hard to pick one.”

Yang smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you as happy as in a bookstore.”

“It’s probably as exciting for me as looking at fancy motorbikes is for you.” Blake closed the book. “Okay, I think I’ve made up my mind.”

“Great.” Yang picked up her bag. “Drugstore is next?”

“Yes. I’ll just go and pay for the book real quick.”

“I’ll wait outside.”

Yang put on her sunglasses when she stepped outside. They always went to the bookstore first. It was what took them the longest, and Yang loved how it made Blake happy for the rest of the day. It was a small town, and even though Yang loved both big cities and new places, she liked that this was the first town she had discovered completely on her own. There were too many memories connected to these places to just leave it behind. This was one of the moments when she remembered that.

“The cashier gave me some chocolate.” Blake stretched out her hand and when Yang took it she saw it was half of a marzipan heart, still loosely wrapped in red tinfoil. “Drugstore?”

“Yes.”

Yang could still taste marzipan and chocolate on her lips when they entered the drugstore. She watched Blake testing lipstick on the back of her hand for a moment before she turned around to see if she could find a new shampoo to try out. She did use makeup from time to time, but she really wasn’t as into it as Blake.

“You know, I really should try scented candles again,” Blake said all of a sudden next to her. “Maybe Weiss doesn’t hate them as much as you did.”

“I didn’t hate them,” Yang said. “Screw that, I actually did. But the scent you used was horrible.”

“Lavender. It’s supposed to help you relax.”

“It smelled much better when you just used that oil.” Yang took a bottle of shampoo to read what was on the backside. “Also lavender is not your kind of scent.”

“Why not?”

“It’s very heavy and… I think lilac would fit you much better. Something a bit sweeter, a bit more flowery. Roses maybe.”

“I bet they have lilac scented candles too.”

Yang laughed. “I’ll buy them so it’ll make me think of you.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one buying them for you then?” She chuckled and turned around, taking a bottle of hair oil and putting it into her basket. It was one of the jokes she only made when she and Yang were alone, and sometimes Yang couldn’t quite grasp how different she acted when it was just the two of them.

“Well, it’s my birthday soon.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Dad called twice yesterday.” Yang put the shampoo into the shopping basket Blake was holding. “He wasn’t that worried when I went to college.”

“You know why.”

She shrugged. “Yeah.” Because he knew she’d be fine. Sometimes Yang wasn’t sure if everyone assuming that was a good or a bad thing. “I mean I’m worried too. But Ruby’s smart, she won’t have any issues following the classes, and I’m sure she’ll make new friends soon.”

“She’s lucky she has you.” They both walked through the aisles. Something about drugstores had always intrigued Yang as a child, colourful bottles that promised to make her hair shiny and beautiful.

“Do you want to grab coffee or ice cream afterwards?” Yang asked.

“Iced tea?”

“Sounds good.” Yang threw some face masks into the basket. She had missed being with Blake like that. Maybe being away from her friends for most of the summer had made her that moody about going back to college, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she imagined. Maybe she was just being melodramatic.

With Blake it couldn’t be that bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally writing the bees, you have no idea how happy I am. 
> 
> Yes, Blake uses pen names on her blog. There is a lot of meaning behind those names that will be explained later on (especially Yang, there will be a lot about why she picked that name for her and it's just peeerfect), but maybe you can guess why I picked them if you look up the names. They are all literature characters and say a lot about how Blake views her friends.


	2. Turning Saints into the Sea

It took a party to remind Blake why she hated parties. Sometimes she was too good at not remembering the bad parts, forgetting how anxious large crowds could make her, especially when most people were too drunk to remember their own name.

“You don’t look too happy,” Yang said.

“I think I just forgot how bad frat parties can get.” She sipped on her drink, the worst rum coke she had ever had, before looking at Yang. “Well, it could be worse.”

“Are you sure you want to be here?”

“Yes, don’t worry.” She didn’t, but she also didn’t want to ruin it for her. Yang had only told her about the party to not make her feel left out. It had been her own decision and it just wouldn’t be fair to drag her mood down as well. “Sun texted me. He’s outside by the pool, I’ll go try to find him.”

“If you need me, I’ll probably be dancing. Or call me.” Yang gave her a soft smile. “Have fun.”

It wasn’t like there were less drunk people outside, but at least there was fresh air. Blake carefully avoided getting hit by some guy’s elbow when he jumped back to escape his vomiting friend. A couple was either making out or already having sex behind a rose bush that barely offered any shelter from curious views.

She found Sun sitting by the pool next to Neptune. “Blake!” he said, spreading his arms. “You’re here!”

“And you’re wet.” It was an understatement. His clothes were completely soaked, his hair sticking to his head despite the ridiculous amounts of hair gel he used to style it.

“Hug him and he’ll make you wet,” Neptune said. His clothes were dry. 

Sun nudged him with his elbow. “Don’t say that to her. Ignore him, Blake, he’s an idiot and drunk.”

“You just don’t know what you have in me.” Neptune got up. “I’ll go someone who doesn’t see me as a nuisance.” 

“I don’t see you as a nuisance!” Sun yelled when Neptune was already leaving. “Come back, I love you!”

“Did you jump into the pool?” Blake sat down next to him, pulling her knees to her chest.

“Lost a bet.” He shrugged and took a sip of her drink. “Well, the bet was that I wouldn’t do it. But I forgot to talk about what happens if I win, so I technically lost.”

“Idiot.” She laughed.

“Anyway, I’m glad you’re here! I thought you might not come, but I promise, you’ll have so much fun here.”

She gave him a diplomatic shrug. She was pretty sure she wouldn’t have fun, and that it had been a mistake to come. But she didn’t need to tell him right now. If anything she would have told Yang, but Yang would immediately drop everything just to make sure she was alright, and she didn’t want to ruin her night. “Aren’t you cold? Maybe you should take off your wet clothes.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Also I can’t really show my abs off here, people wold faint left and right.”

“Sure.” She laughed.

“There is nothing wrong with being confident in your body. Wanna swim?”

“No, someone probably already threw up in this pool.” Also she didn’t want to undress in front of all these people. “Sun, maybe you should at least get a towel.”

“Alright, alright.” He got up. “Shit, I hope my phone survived the bath.”

“Don’t turn it on. Take the battery out.” She pulled him away from a bunch of people trying to down an entire can of beer at once as they walked back to the house.

“It’s one of those where you can’t take it out.”

“Put it into a bag of rice and hope you’re not screwed.”

People had started to smoke inside, and she felt like she was getting sick. Some were dancing in the middle of the common room and she immediately spotted Yang. It was hard to overlook her. If not for the way she looked then for the way she danced. But she looked stunning tonight. Her blonde curls were framing her face like a burning halo, moving like flames as she danced. Her tight black dress hugged her curves in all the right places, sequins sparkling in the dim light. She moved like everything she had ever done and everything she ever wanted to do was to dance. It looked effortless on her, as if the music was wind that threw her around like a leave in the most beautiful ways. Maybe it was because she seemed to draw all the attention in the room towards her that Blake didn’t notice she was dancing with Neptune at first.

His movements were stiff, awkward. He put his hands on her hips and moved them further down, but Yang put them back into place with a playful smirk. It didn’t look like she was rejecting him, or maybe she was, but no matter what, she didn’t seem uncomfortable with the situation. Flirting had always come natural to her, without the fears and anxiety that Blake would have felt in the same situation. Blake wasn’t sure why it gave her a sting, too big to ignore. As if someone was pressing all the air out of her lungs and numbing everything but that horrible feeling in her chest.

“Hey, you okay?” Sun asked next to her.

“Yeah, just… I think I’m getting a headache.” She forced herself to look away. “I think I’ll go home.”

“I can walk you home if you want.”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“Text me when you’ve arrived home safely, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” She forced herself to give him a weak smile. “Have fun, and make sure to get out of those pants, you’ll get sick.”

The feeling didn’t go away, even as she stepped outside of the house and left. It was a warm summer night. Blake forced herself to take deep breaths. She wasn’t sure why all of a sudden the streets seemed black and lonely.

 

* * *

 

Yang found Ruby in the kitchen. It almost seemed like she was looking out of the window, her hands clenched around the edge of the counter.

“I’ll even mix you one,” the guy next to Ruby said. He was so much taller than her, and clearly drunk. “Only losers don’t drink at parties.”

“You can have mine,” another guy said and shoved his glass closer to her. “Come on, drink it.”

It took Yang only a second to cross the room and reach them. She gave the second guy her sweetest smile before she took the drink and threw it right into his face.

“Bitch!” he screamed. “I’ll show you what –“

“Yeah? Come at me.” She looked him straight into the eyes. “You’ll be lucky if I only break both your noses.”

“That bitch is scary,” the other guy said.

“Oh, you have no idea.” Yang shoved him away from Ruby and laid her hand on her shoulder. “What are you waiting for? Go away before I get really angry.”

It wasn’t until they were finally gone that Yang wrapped her arms around her sister, pulling her close. “Thank you,” Ruby mumbled. “They really didn’t make it any better.”

“Did anything happen?”

“No, just a panic attack. “ She leaned her head against Yang’s shoulder. “I hate college.”

“Come, I’ll take you to our room. This party is boring anyway.”

“I need to tell Penny I’m leaving.”

“Who’s Penny?”

“She’s in my math class. I don’t want her to get worried.”

“Okay.” Yang pulled her closer to hug her. “We’ll go find Penny and then we go home. Do you know where she is?”

“She wanted to go to the bathroom.” Ruby took a deep breath. “Okay, we can go. I’m alright.”

She still looked miserable. Yang wrapped her arm around her shoulders. “Come on.”

One thing Yang had learned at parties was scaring people away. Especially guys who didn’t get the message that she wasn’t interested. She glared at everyone who could potentially get the idea of getting too close. Then suddenly Ruby pulled her towards a crowd of girls queuing in front of the bathroom.

Penny turned out to be a girl with red hair who probably looked younger than she was, and not a day older than Ruby. Her dress looked like something you’d wear while applying for a college with much more prestige than this one, green with a white collar and copper buttons.

“Yang is taking me home,” Ruby said. “Do you want to stay or come with us?”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just… tired.” Ruby’s smile wasn’t convincing at all.

“I think I am going to stay for a bit longer. Rest well when you get home.” She was talking with an accent Yang quite place. The way she talked reminded her of the Queen or something, formal and deliberate, but she was pretty sure she wasn’t British.

“Stay safe. I’ll see you on Monday.”

They made it through the crowd without anyone bothering them. Yang saw Sun right next to the front door, his clothes soaked and something in his hands that turned out to be a bag of rice. She rather didn’t ask. “Hey, have you seen Blake?” she asked.

“She went home. A headache, she said. I told her to text me when she gets home, but I killed my phone by jumping into the pool.” He pointed at his bag of rice.

“Okay, I’ll text her, just to make sure she’s alright.” At least now she didn’t have to feel bad for leaving her, but she still felt bad for dragging her along in the first place. “Please get out of those clothes, you’ll just catch a cold.”

“It’s August, Yang.”

“Still. Go get changed.” Yang opened the front door. “See you soon!”

Ruby seemed to relax more and more the further they got away from the party. Yang’s arm was still loosely wrapped around her shoulders and she felt bad for even taking her with her. But she had wanted to come. Ruby was eighteen, and she couldn’t tell her what to do and not to do just because she was worried about her all the time.

“Penny seems nice,” Yang said. “Where is she from?”

“I didn’t ask her.” Ruby ran her fingers through her hair. “She’s just as awkward as me, so we teamed up in math class to get through it together.”

“I told you you’d make friends soon enough.” Yang looked at her and smiled. “Maybe college isn’t that bad after all.”

“Well, that definitely was the last college party I went to.”

Yang stayed with Ruby until she had fallen asleep. It was late, but she didn’t feel tired, only restless. She opened the window. The warm summer air smelled like grass and broken dreams when she climbed on the window shelf and jumped. Gravel scrunched beneath her feet. Students had long ago figured out that it was a bad idea to have parties on the roof of the garage next to their dormitory, but it was good enough for sun baths and bottles of wine shared with Blake after a long day. The advantage of having a room on the first floor. She sat down at the edge of the rooftop, letting her feet dangle over the ground. The moon full and bright.

Yang had always shared a room with Ruby. Not out of necessity but because they hadn’t wanted it any other way. It had only made moving out and going to college so much weirder, but this wasn’t what she had imagined living with Ruby again after two years of being apart to be like. She still liked living with her. It wasn’t like anything between them had changed. She just hadn’t expected to miss Blake as much as she did right now. The way she often just sat there and read, calming her down only with her presence, or her leaving drawings on her bedside table after a particular hard day to cheer her up. That she didn’t have to hide having a bad day in front of her. She had kept every single one of her drawings. She pulled out her phone.

 

Yang <11:13pm>

Sun told me you left. U alright?

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <11:15pm>

Yeah

Sorry I didn’t text you earlier

Are you still there?

Yang <11:16>

Ruby had a panic attack so I went home early. What are you up to right now?

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <11:16>

Probably going to bed soon.

Yang <11:16>

Sleep well xxx

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <11:16>

You too xx

 

She put her phone back into the pocket of her pyjama pants. Maybe the worst part about this semester was that everyone seemed more excited to be here than her. Over the summer she had thought it would get better, that she’d be just as excited as in her first year once she was here, but right now it felt worse.

She wasn’t even sure what it was. Maybe because picking her major had been a half-assed decision of just going with what had sounded the least boring at that time. Maybe because she had never put as much effort into it as everyone else around her. She was passing all her classes, but she still felt like she didn’t belong here.

It didn’t feel like she was here because she wanted that degree or because she wanted to work in this field. It rather felt like she was coming here to support Ruby, to see Weiss and Blake again, to make her father proud and maybe also her mother, for anyone else but herself.

She leaned back and stared up at the moon. This was the one moment when she allowed herself to indulge in the feeling of everything breaking down on her and having no idea what to do about it. Only this moment before she had to stand up and smile again tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

> A Blog as Old as Time
> 
> Turning Saints into the Sea
> 
> Saturday, August 10th, 11:56pm
> 
> _“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”_   
>  _― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray_
> 
> I don’t know what happened tonight. Let me start from the beginning.
> 
> The party I went to was not worth mentioning. Not the first time I thought I could make myself like the taste of alcohol between drunk people dancing to bad music in the common room of a fraternity house, not the last time I will realise that just not every activity is for me. But the party is not the reason why I can’t sleep right now, why I am feeling like someone has hit me in the stomach.
> 
> All night long I couldn’t stop thinking about why it bothered me that much. Why I couldn’t get the image of Loreley dancing with Gatsby out of my head. I don’t think it’s because I’m jealous she danced with him. I never had much to do with him, and even though I like him as a friend (or rather a friend’s friend), I don’t think I’d ever want our relationship to be more than that.
> 
> I think it’s more that I envy her confidence. Everything looks so effortless on her. She flirts with men without being afraid they will threaten to kill themselves once she leaves them, she dances without worrying about looking stupid, and she wears shorts and tight tops without ever asking herself if she looks stupid in it. Whenever I’m with her I never feel like I’m less confident and beautiful than her. She has this gift of brightening the room without casting shadows, of making me feel like I’m the best version of myself around her. Maybe it’s because she danced with someone else, because she didn’t even see me, that I felt this sudden rush of irrational jealousy.
> 
> The worst part is that I know Loreley would tell me to stop worrying, that I shouldn’t excuse myself for the way I feel. She’d tell me all the reasons why she thinks I’m gorgeous and I’d blush, struggling to believe half of them. That makes it even worse, that I can’t just be happy for her. It’s so stupid to feel like that when usually I don’t, when usually she does nothing but make me feel better about myself and everything else. I don’t know why her dancing with Gatsby made me feel that way all of a sudden, but this is the only explanation that makes sense to me.
> 
> Three good things that happened today:   
>  \- Starting to read ‘The Ocean at the End of the Lane’ (what a fantastic book)   
>  \- Mathilda telling me my hair looked gorgeous   
>  \- Finishing my essay outside, sitting beneath a tree and enjoying the fresh air
> 
> Sincerely,   
>  Belle


	3. A Knight in Shining Armour

“Have you been in here all day?” Sun whispered. He sat down at the table across of her, arranging a stack of books he hadn’t opened yet.  

“This essay is due tomorrow.” Blake moved her own books to make space for him. The library was almost empty, so their conversation would probably be forgiven.

“Maybe it would be good for you to get outside. It seems like everything you’ve seen today are books.”

“Maybe you should open those books before you have to beg your professor to push the deadline again.” She smirked and looked down at her laptop again. “Also spending the day with nothing but books doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”

“But what about being outside in the sun? Or around other people?”

“You’re just like Yang. Now open your books, you’re not going to get anything done like that.”

He took one of her sticky notes and scribbled something on it before he stuck it to her laptop, right above the screen. She could barely tell it was supposed to be a cat, but he had tried. Blake smiled.

She hadn’t even typed a whole sentence when the clicking started. She looked up. Not far away from them a girl with short brown hair was reading a book and taking notes, clicking with her pen every time she wasn’t writing. Sun rolled his eyes and shrugged. Blake looked back at her essay and tried to blend out the noise.

_Click. Click. Click._

“I think I’ll go and finish this in my room.” Blake said and closed her laptop.

“Have fun.” He leaned back, stretching before he took out his headphones. “Don’t let the heiress bite you.”

“Don’t always assume she bites just because you two don’t get along.” She packed her things and got up. “See you around.”

It was too hot outside to properly function, at least it felt like that to Blake. She had no idea how Yang could love the heat so much. The weather lured students outside, to sit on the lawn in small groups or alone. A couple was making out beneath a tree and Blake quickly looked away.

Weiss had her headphones on when Blake got back to their dorm room. She looked up from her laptop and took the headphones off when Blake closed the door behind her. “You’re back already. Are you done with your essay?”

“No, I’ll finish it here. I just can’t focus with too many other people around.” Weiss had taken up all the space on their desk. She reached for a stack of books to move it for her, but Blake just shook her head and sat down on the bed. “Sun was there too, but he had headphones.”

“I wonder when you two will get together.”

Blake looked up. She felt her cheeks grow hot. “What?”

“I mean you’ve been friends for so long and he really seems to like you. I don’t really know what you see in him, but he’s a nice guy.”

“We’re just friends.”

“Of course it’s your decision, but maybe you should go out with him. Just to see where it’s going.”

Blake opened her laptop. “Anyway, I’ll try to finish my essay before dinner.”

“Yeah, sure. Sorry if I was reaching.”

“No, don’t worry.”

Weiss smiled and put her headphones on before turning back to her laptop. Blake looked at her for a moment, then stared at her laptop. The document with her essay all of a sudden didn’t seem to make any sense to her. She tried to read a sentence before she closed it.

 

* * *

 

A Blog as Old as Time

A Knight in Shining Armour

Thursday, August 9th, 3:14pm

 _“A different kind of knight, one who'd chosen to protect the girl the world wanted to destroy; one born to slay dragons, but maybe to befriend them, too.”_  
_― Leigh Bardugo, Wonder Woman: Warbringer_

Sometimes I wonder how many more signs I need to realise Lancelot is perfect for me. Today Maud Lilly brought it up again and now I can’t stop thinking about it. By now Loreley is the only close friend who hasn’t told me to give him a chance at some point.

I was in my first semester when he asked me out. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship, that I wasn’t seeking anything like that at the moment, and he told me not to worry, that he had no issue with just being friends. I don’t think I will ever meet someone who would handle the situation more respectful than he did. He has never tried to make another move, and now he’s one of my closest friends. Everything about Lancelot reminds me of how much she is not like Heathcliff, his complete opposite. He is nice, caring, earnest, and I feel bad for not knowing what is keeping me from making up my mind. Of course I have thought about dating him, considered it, but in a way I feel happy with how things are now between us, and I don’t know what it is that still keeps me from taking the next step.

When he asked me out I thought I could come back to it when I felt ready. I have never stopped feeling like that, and maybe I’m not doing him justice. I know that he didn’t just stay friends with me because he hopes I’ll date him one day, it’s offensive to even think that. But maybe he has long moved on. Maybe he isn’t even interested anymore. Did I just stay friends with him to keep that option open? No, of course not. Or did I? It’s such an incredibly mean thing to do, and it scares me that I even think I’d be capable of that. But I have done many things in the past that I never thought I’d be capable of.

The Beauty and the Beast has never stopped resonating with me, even when the reason why it did changed. More than with any other book I have always seen myself in it. First I thought that I was the Beauty who would eventually love Heathcliff enough to save him from himself. Then I thought I was the Beauty in another version of the story, one where the Beast was an actual beast, one where I freed myself. But what if I was wrong all along? What if I'm not the Beauty but the Beast? What if I'm the one waiting to be saved?

How many more signs do I need to let Lancelot be the one who saves me?

Saves me from what?

Three good things that happened today:  
\- Loreley being so incredibly excited about the weather when we had breakfast this morning (I just love to see her smile)  
\- My essay being almost done (I should be working on it right now though)  
\- Fish for lunch (fishfingers, but that totally counts)

Sincerely,  
Belle

 

* * *

 

Skipping a lecture was just never worth it. It seemed like a fantastic idea about ten minutes before the lecture started, but right now while queuing for a cup of coffee the guilt set in. Two hours she had won for having to work much longer to catch up later. Yang stared at her phone, scrolled through her Facebook feed before she realised she couldn’t just keep pretending everything was perfectly alright.

 

 

Yang <5:10pm>

What r u up to? Free to hang out?

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <5:11pm>

Finishing my essay, but you can come over if you want.

Yang <5:11pm>

I’ll be right there.

 

 

She put her phone back into the pocket of her shorts. The barista was a guy with grey hair who Yang didn’t like without even knowing his name. She wasn’t sure what had started it, but every time he was serving her she picked the most complicated order just because he had to go through the process of making it for her.

“A soy caramel Frappuccino with extra cream,” she said. “I’m lactose intolerant, so please make sure not to use anything that had milk in it. Also a cup of Earl Grey tea, make sure not to leave the tea bag in for longer than three minutes, no milk, no sugar, and two of those chocolate fudge brownies.”

He rolled his eyes. “Anything else? Want me to personally grow the coffee trees for you?”

“If you can do that in under two minutes.”

He rolled his eyes and turned around to make her drinks. She fumbled around with the nail polish on her left hand, scraping off little chunks of gold. The smell of coffee and the hot air inside made her feel sick. Maybe it was just the guilt.

“You know ignoring the tip jar is pretty rude,” the guy said and Yang looked up. He had the drinks and the bag with her cake ready for her on the counter.

“I’m not forgetting that one time you just sold me hot water instead of coffee.” She gave him her card. “Sorry for your co-workers.”

It was the most beautiful day. Yang walked over the campus and couldn’t help but feel worse and worse about what a waste it was, and there was no scenario in which she could win. Either she sat in class, didn’t pay attention and felt bad for wasting this sunny afternoon, or she skipped class and felt bad for not getting anything done.

When Blake opened the door she looked tired. She was wearing her hair in a messy bun, something she only did when she was too stressed to care about the way she looked. She always said it looked stupid on her, but it really didn’t. “I got you tea,” Yang said. “How’s your essay doing?”

“Thank you.” Blake took the cup of tea she gave her. “Almost done, but it’s been taking me way too long already.”

“I brought cake as well.” Yang took her shoes off and sat down on Blake’s bed. It was weird to see her stuff in someone else’s room. The edition of Beauty and the Beast she carried around everywhere she went, new sketches up the wall next to her bed, her fairy lights. “Wanna just continue working or take a break?”

“Take a break. I’ll finish it tonight, I don’t have any classes tomorrow morning.” She sat down next to her and carefully opened the bag with the cake. “I love that one. Yang, you’re the best.”

“I know.” She grinned and stretched out on the bed, careful not to spill her coffee. The bedsheets were the same she had used last semester, black with small white flowers. It felt more familiar than Yang had expected. She had never realised how used she had grown to all of this. To Blake. She had missed it.

“Do you think I should date Sun?”

Yang almost choked on her coffee. “What?” She coughed and sat up. “Did he ask you out again?”

“No, I was just… thinking.” Blake sipped on her tea, not looking at her. “What do you think?”

“Well, I think…” She forced herself to look away, studied the sketches on the wall more closely instead. She always started with an empty wall at the beginning of the semester, like an empty canvas, filling it with drawings that told a lot more about her than she probably would have wanted. Yang started at a watercolour painting of two dancing figures in different shades of grey. Looking at Blake’s sketches had always calmed her down, she wasn’t sure why now it didn’t. “I think there is a reason you are asking me and don’t know the answer already. I mean do you want to date him?”

“I don’t know.”

Yang stared at the two dancers. She didn’t know why the silence felt so thick and heavy. It wasn’t like they were fighting. “Then why are you even considering it?”

“I mean shouldn’t I give it a shot? What if hesitating for so long isn’t the right thing to do either? I just… you know, Weiss brought it up again.”

Yang looked at her. “Weiss doesn’t know shit about relationships. She probably still thinks she’s straight, and she’s literally the last person to actually believe that.”

Blake chuckled, looking at her briefly before she stared at her tea cup again. “Yeah, probably.”

“You know, if you want to date him then ask him out, but don’t let anything that Weiss said about your dating life get to you like that. She has no clue and dating for the sake of dating totally isn’t worth it. Especially not with Sun, you’re such good friends.”

“You’re probably right.” Blake leaned her back against the wall. Yang wasn’t sure why she couldn’t see her with Sun, and why she didn’t want to think about it. Maybe because she had been single for too long and just never managed to have a bond like Blake had with Sun with someone she was romantically interested in. “Why did you skip class anyway?”

“It’s boring.” Yang shrugged and let herself drop on her back again. “I don’t know, I just… I just can’t focus on anything when I’m in there and then I start thinking social work was the wrong major for me even though that is complete bullshit, but… damn, I’m already behind with everything and the semester only just started.”

“It’s not too late to catch up,” Blake said. “Everyone feels like that about college at one point or the other.” She broke a piece from the cake to give it to Yang. “The semester just started, don’t let it stress you already.”

“Thank you.” Yang sighed. The cake was good, but she preferred lemon. She had only picked it because it was Blake’s favourite.

“I should probably continue working on my essay.”

“Do you want me to leave or can I hang out here for a bit?”

“No, stay if you want.” Blake got up. “You know, it’s much easier to work with you around than with Weiss.”

Yang smirked. “Knew you’d miss me.”

Blake rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure.”

It was weird how much more comfortable she felt around Blake than in her own room, how easily she could make her feel better. Yang sipped on her coffee and watched Blake for a moment, brushing some strands of hair out of her face before she put on her headphones again. Maybe it was because of the way she let Yang talk without trying to tell her what to do. Maybe it was because with her Yang actually dared to say what was on her mind.

Yang leaned back and stared at the painting with the two dancers. It was definitely a man and a women. She didn’t know why the thought of it being Sun and Blake bothered her that much, and not knowing why maybe was even worse.


	4. Loreley

Ruby dropped the bomb while the credits of their second movie were still rolling. Weiss had already been braiding her hair before she stopped, white silky strands sliding through her fingers and escaping the tight plait. Yang let out a high pitched shriek, quickly covering her mouth with her hands and staring at Ruby in shock and disbelief. Blake felt like she was the only not acting like she had just told them she was pregnant. With vampire triplets.

“A date?” Blake asked, just to break the silence.

“Who the hell is Penny?” Weiss almost sounded offended. No, definitely offended. “Isn’t this a bit… sudden?”

“Oh, my little baby sister is going on her first date, I can’t believe it.” Yang wrapped her arms around Ruby, enthusiastically enough for them both to fall down on the floor. “Did you ask her or did she ask you?”

“Yang, I can’t breathe.” For a moment it looked like the two of them were fighting until eventually Ruby sat up and Yang was lying on the floor, laughing. “She asked me. I don’t know how she can be so… straightforward, but maybe it’s good if one of us is like that, you know? Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Can we start the third movie now? It’s my favourite.”

“We ran out of wine.” Yang sat up, running her hands through her hair. “Blake, wanna go to the supermarket with me?”

“Sure.” Blake got up from Yang’s bed, taking Yang’s hand to pull her up from the floor.

“But I want to watch the movie,” Ruby groaned. “What if Weiss falls asleep?”

“She’s the only one who hasn’t seen Harry Potter before,” Yang said. “Just start without us.”

Yang smiled until they closed the door to her dorm room behind them. Yang pressed her lips together and exhaled a sharp breath. “Not here,” Blake whispered. “Let’s get outside.”

Yang nodded. Blake reached out for her, stroking up and down her back for a moment. Yang looked down at her feet as they walked through the hallway.

The temperature had dropped lately and right now it was almost cold outside. Blake rubbed her arms to make the goosebumps go away. “I just can’t believe I’m not happy for her,” Yang said. “I really want to, but she’s my little baby sister, when did I miss the part where she grows up and starts dating people?”

“You’ve always been more of the… mum type of sister. It actually doesn’t surprise me too much.”

“Are you cold?”

Blake shook her head. “No, it’s fine.”

“Oh, come on. I’m too warm anyway.” Yang pulled her hoodie over her head and Blake took it without protest. It was bright yellow and soft, but most of all still warm from her wearing it before. It smelled like Yang, a scent that was hard to put into words. “I mean maybe you’re right,” Yang said as they walked over the campus. “I just wish it was different.”

“You’ll get used to it. I mean maybe it doesn’t even work out.”

Yang climbed on the fence that they had put up in a hopeless attempt to keep students from sitting on the lawn. It hadn’t stopped any of them. Blake nervously watched her walk on it for a moment, her arms stretched out for balance, before she took Yang’s hand to keep her from falling. “Also Penny is nice,” Yang said. “I mean better her than any of those douchebags who would have made fun of her in High School. Maybe I’m just jealous because my own love life is basically non-existent.”

Blake looked up. They hadn’t talked much about that topic lately, and the thought of Yang just not dating anyone at all had never occurred her. It had been stupid of her to think that Yang didn’t want to talk to her about it. There was no one Blake trusted more than Yang and at one point she just had to stop telling herself that there was no way Yang felt the same about her. “I bet everyone here would die to date you, Yang.”

“Yes, but I just… I guess _I_ don’t want to date any of them. I mean I’ve tried, but they’re all so eager to just get on with it without really getting to know you and that’s just… I don’t think that’s what I want. I mean don’t you want to get to know someone before you date them? I don’t know if this makes any sense, but…”

“No, it does.” Blake looked up to her, Yang balancing on the fence in just her pyjama shorts, a tank top and sneakers. She still managed to look amazing like that. “Better be like that than going through one really bad relationship and not being able to trust anyone ever again.”

“Oh, you will be able to trust people again.” Yang jumped off the fence, but she kept holding Blake’s hand. “You’re too pretty to let that guy screw up your dating life for good.”

Blake looked at her. She couldn’t actually see the colour of her eyes in the dark, but she knew this shade of lilac so well. “I guess.”

Yang’s thumb brushed over the back of her hand and her lips curled into a soft smile that Blake felt tempted to reciprocate. “Come on. Weiss needs more wine to cope with Ruby’s reveal tonight.”

“Does she or do you?”

Yang laughed. She let go of her hand and Blake followed her, smiling and biting her lip.

From the outside the supermarket looked like it was closed. Jaune was sitting behind the counter, reading a magazine and waving at them when they stepped inside. “Are you going out?” he asked.

“Movie night,” Yang said. “We finally got Weiss to do that Harry Potter marathon.”

“I don’t think she’s gonna make it through all the movies,” Blake said and followed Yang through the aisles.

“Oh, she will. I’ll tell you what’s going to happen.” She took a bag of chips. “We’re going to watch the fourth movie, she will think she has a crush on Cedric Diggory because she still thinks she’s straight, or just pretend to have a crush on him because she thinks we still think she’s straight, and when he dies she’ll be so upset she’ll want to watch all the other movies tonight as well. You know what she’s like.”

Blake took a bottle of red wine, the only one in here you could actually drink. “She’ll still be watching when the rest of us are long asleep.”

“And then she will read the books.” Yang took a bottle of white wine and Blake followed her to the checkout. “Didn’t you want to go to that concert tonight, Jaune?”

“No, it’s next week. I’m working the worst shifts for weeks just so I can get that night off.” He sighed and scanned their items. Blake quickly threw a pack of gums on the counter as well. “I hope it’s worth it, but Pyrrha really didn’t want to go alone.”

“Just try to have a good time with her.” Yang pulled out her purse. “Is your manager around? Do you need to check my ID?”

“Nah, it’s fine.” He took her card and didn’t protest when Yang took a plastic bag and already packed the wine and the chips. “I mean why did she even ask me if I wanna go with her? Nora at least knows the band.”

Yang and Blake exchanged a meaningful glance. “Well, maybe she just likes to spend time with you,” Blake said.

Jaune laughed. “Yeah, sure. I guess it’s just because I have a car.”

“She has a car too, Jaune,” Yang said. “Anyway, see you around.”

“Have fun with your movie night.”

When they made it back to Yang’s dorm room Weiss and Ruby were already in the middle of the movie. Blake filled their wine glasses and then they both sat down on Yang’s bed. Yang pulled the blanket over both of them and then leaned her head against Blake’s shoulder.

Blake leaned her head against Yang’s. Her hair tickled her cheek and her arm was spread over Blake’s body, almost hugging her. It was warm, in the most comfortable way. For some reason Yang was always warm and Blake was always cold, and right now she couldn’t get enough of the heat that seemed to radiate from her body. Yang’s scent was everywhere, in her blanket, her hoodie, her hair, all-consuming and almost making Blake feel lightheaded. Maybe it was just the wine.

 

* * *

 

Blake woke up with the sun shining into her face. She groaned and reached for the blanket, but she couldn’t find it, only Yang. Her head was resting on Yang’s chest, Yang’s arms loosely wrapped around her, and of course the blanket was gone, Yang never slept with one between March and November. She groaned. The sun was bothering her, but she was comfortable, she was warm and she didn’t want to move. She tried to cover her eyes with her hand, but it didn’t help much.

“Come on, Blakey, it’s just the sun,” Yang whispered. She laughed and Blake could feel it vibrate against her cheek. “The blanket is on the floor.”

“Too far away.” She blinked. Yang smiled at her and then closed her eyes again. Something about her kept Blake from looking away, her long, dark eyelashes, the soft curve of her lips that made her want to touch them. She was just within reach, all it would take was to learn a bit forward, and all of a sudden she was so aware of Yang’s body next to her, every inch that she touched and every inch that she did not, that she forgot to breathe for a moment.

_Oh._

She rolled on her back before she could even think about it, away from Yang. She heard her chuckle next to her and took deep, long breaths to calm her pounding heart. She was probably thinking it was because of the sun. Not because of whatever this mess was right now.

“I can close the blinds if you want,” Yang whispered.

“No, it’s fine. I’m awake now anyway.” Maybe her mind was just playing tricks on her. Yang was attractive, incredibly attractive. It had been so long since her last relationship had ended, this was probably just a sign that she still was a sexual human being with normal desires. Who wouldn’t feel those desires when lying in bed next to Yang Xiao Long?

This was stupid, and she knew that.

“I need a shower.” She sat up. Weiss and Ruby were sharing Ruby’s bed, each of them with their head at a different side of the bed. Blake felt like she was getting sick.

“Wanna use ours or go back to your room?”

“Go back to my room.” She ran her hands through her hair, still trying not to panic. “Then I can put on some fresh clothes, you know?”

“Yeah, sure.” Yang stretched. “See you for breakfast. Or probably for lunch, I think I want to sleep for a bit longer.”

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“No, don’t worry.”

Blake had to climb over Yang to get out of bed, careful not to touch her. She slipped into her shows and turned around. Yang’s eyes were already closed again, and it was hard to look away. “See you around,” Blake said before leaving the room.

Outside it was warmer than yesterday, summer winning a couple more weeks from autumn. Blake wrapped her arms around herself, trying to breathe away feelings she couldn’t describe as anything but confusing, and only now she realised she was still wearing Yang’s sweater.

 

* * *

 

A Blog as Old as Time

Loreley

Saturday, August 25th, 9:16am

 _I know not what it betideth,_  
That I am so sad at heart;  
A tale of the past abideth  
In my soul and will not depart.

 _It is cool and the twilight darkles,_  
And peacefully flows the Rhine;  
And the brow of the mountain sparkles  
In the flush of the soft sunshine.

 _The queenliest maiden beameth_  
In radiant beauty there;  
The gold of her jewels gleameth,  
She combeth her golden hair.

 _With a golden comb she combeth,_  
And singeth the while a song,  
That floats, like the wind that roameth,  
In quivering chants along.

 _The boatman yon frail bark steering,_  
Is seized with a wild aifright;  
He sees not the cliffs he is nearing,  
He views but the mountain height.

 _I fear me the waves are bringing_  
The boatman and boat to naught;  
And this with her fateful singing  
The Lore-Lei hath wrought.

_―_ _Heinrich Heine, Lore-Ley_

The first time I saw Loreley she was standing in the common room of our dormitory, chatting with a couple of our new neighbours. I can still remember hearing her laugh. She always had this way of focussing everyone’s attention on her without even trying. She is like the sun. You can look away, but you will still be aware of her presence.

She immediately reminded me of the poem by Heinrich Heine, the old myth of Loreley, a woman with golden hair, so beautiful that boatmen forgot to watch out for the deadly cliff that would seal their fate of drowning in the Rhine. I felt like all the guys were falling for her just like that, and she smiled at them, lured them closer and then let them crash against the cliffs. She didn’t seem to be interested in any of them, but it took them a very long time to realise that. It wasn’t until I actually met her and got to know her that I understood how wrong I had been about her, that I realised she is the warmest and most caring person I have ever met.

Right now I’m feeling like I’m the boatman crushing against the cliff.

The worst part is that I knew there was something there. I’ve just been so good at ignoring it. But now it all comes back at once, all the feelings I didn’t allow myself to have. I don’t even know when it started, if it has always been there, but I should have known when we went to NYC together. I should have known when I only wanted to be around her, when I almost didn’t go on a day long museum marathon with Maud Lilly just because it would mean spending a day without Loreley. I should have known when our whispered conversations at night in our hotel room were the thing I was most looking forward to. I should have known when we walked through busy streets lit by light posts and neon signs and with her the moment felt complete, because there wasn’t anyone else I’d rather want to share it with.

Everything about Lancelot reminds me of how much he’s not like Heathcliff, but Loreley doesn’t remind me of him at all. Maybe that’s the reason why I was never able to bring myself to date him, but the truth is that I allowed the thought because I can afford losing Lancelot, but not Loreley. The friendship I have with her is too important to me to give it up for a relationship. I’ve had one big relationship so far and even during the good times I never felt as warm and happy and _myself_ as I do with Loreley right now. Being in a relationship with her would feel like a step back. It’s not worth giving up our friendship just to date her.

I think I need to put some distance between us right now. I need to make this friendship work, and I need to figure out what to do with those feelings first. I’m at a point where I can’t trust myself around her anymore. Maybe I can make it work if I don’t see her that often for a while, not that often and not without other people being around.

I just can’t risk losing her.

Sincerely,  
Belle

 

* * *

 

She had never felt comfortable in Raven’s office. Yang caught herself staring at a mug with the wedding picture of some British royals on it in the book shelve behind Raven’s desk. Weiss probably could have told her who it was. It seemed weirdly out of place, but by now she knew Raven enough to know this was the reason it was there. To spark controversy, to raise questions, and to give her a reason to explain why it belonged into the office of a cultural anthropologist and was incredibly interesting from a scientific standpoint.

Raven had this habit of bringing something home from wherever she travelled. Sometimes Yang asked herself if this made her interesting to all the other students who had sat here in her office before. To her it was nothing but a reminder of all the years she hadn’t talked to her, all the stories she had never told her because Yang couldn’t bring herself to ask.

She didn’t want to be here.

“You’re acting like this is some sort of intervention,” Yang said, trying to sound nonchalant. Raven was sitting next to her on the couch while Qrow leaned against her desk.

“We just want to know if everything is alright,” he said. “The semester has only started and you’ve already failed to hand in two assignments to one class, and stopped going to the other.”

“Is it even legal that Professor Port talked to you about it?”

“I’m the head of the department you chose to major in,” Qrow said. “Of course it’s legal.”

“She’s going to pick herself up in no time.” Raven sipped on her tea. Yang hadn’t even touched hers yet. “It hasn’t even been a full month. Let her be a bit lazy in the beginning of the semester.”

“She still has to retake a few classes she has failed last semester.”

“She’s smart, she can do it. You haven’t been a model student either.”

“You realise I’m still here?” Yang didn’t dare to reach for her tea. Putting it back down was one little step that would keep her from running away.

“Do you have any… problems? Do you need help? Is something bothering you?” Qrow looked worried now, and it was worse than when he was lecturing her.

“It’s not a big deal. The summer break has been too long, I didn’t quite get back into university mode yet. That’s it.” She shrugged, smiling at him. “You really don’t need to be worried.”

“She’ll ask for help when she needs it,” Raven said. “Have a little faith in her.”

Qrow rolled his eyes. “Let her speak for herself.”

“I’m fine,” Yang said. “Don’t worry.”

“Alright.” Qrow looked at her. “So are you going to come over for lunch tomorrow? Your sister has been visiting almost every day since she’s moved here by the way.”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?” Yang grinned. “Sure, I’ll be there. Is there anything else? I promised Nora to go to the gym with her.”

“Sure.” Raven leaned back when Yang got up, still sipping on her tea. She hesitated for a moment, waiting for her to say something like _Have fun_ or _It was good to see you_ or _Come back soon_. Just anything. But she didn’t.

“See you tomorrow,” Qrow said and gave her a soft smile.

When she closed the door to Raven’s office behind her she felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Did you dare to go inside there?” A girl with purple hair was leaning against the wall right across the hallway, probably waiting for someone. “She can be quite mean when students dare to bother her on a Monday without having an appointment.”

“I’m her daughter,” Yang said, more to reassure herself than anything else. She turned around before the girl could reply.

Yang locked the door to the bathroom stall behind her and closed the toilet lid before she sat down. Feelings didn’t scare her. Feelings were manageable. She could bottle them up, keep them locked inside of her and pretend like everything was alright. It didn’t matter what happened inside of her as long as was still able to smile. But moments like this she was terrified of, hiding in the restroom where she could do nothing but burying her face in her hand and taking deep, slow breaths. Moments when the emotions got so overwhelming they gained control over the way she looked and acted, when she couldn’t act like everything was alright without anyone noticing anymore.

She couldn’t hide in here forever.

There was only one person she could bear to see right now. There was only one person she wanted to see. Her hands were shaking when she took her phone out of her pocket.

 

Yang <3:34pm>

Can we meet up?

Just talked to my mum and my uncle

Not feeling too well

 

Yang swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears. It was stupid that it got to her so much. There was no reason to be that upset about nothing. If she said it often enough she might even believe it herself.

 

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <3:46pm>

I’m studying with Sun right now  

Are you alright?

I can ask Weiss if she can come over if you want, do you want me to call Ruby?

 

She stared at her phone and right now she just felt stupid. Stupid for even asking to see her, stupid for assuming she would want to see her at all. Was there even a point in trying to tell herself she wasn’t actually rejecting her? Rather had a study date with Sun than being there for her when she needed her? _Just tell me if you don’t want anything to do with me anymore, thanks for nothing_ , she typed before she deleted the message.

 

Yang <3:51pm>

No, please don’t

I’m alright, don’t worry, it wasn’t that important

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <3:52pm>

Are you sure? I’m sure Weiss would come over if I asked her to

Yang <3:52pm>

If I wanted to see Weiss I would have asked her myself

Tapsy Tabby Kitty Cat <3:53pm>

I’m sure you’ll be fine

You’ve never let her get under your skin like that before

 

The hardest part was that right now all she could think was that Blake was wrong, so wrong, and maybe she didn’t know her as well as she had always thought she did. She wasn’t sure who was hurting her the more right now. 


	5. Shattered

“Are the others coming as well?”

“Yeah, I think they are.” Blake didn’t know what to do with her hands so she buried them in the pockets of her shorts. The night was warm and the queue in front of the club long. Sun had convinced her to come, but right now she didn’t even know what she was doing here. She hadn’t talked much with Yang since last weekend, finding excuses not to see her, and she didn’t know if it was a mistake or not. It felt like one. Where was the line between wanting to see her as a friend and… more? How long would it take her to figure that out?

“Are you alright?”

She looked up. “Sure, why not?”

“You seem absent.”

“Just a bit tired from studying all day.”

“We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want to.” He gave her a warm smile. In moments like this she often told herself that maybe, one day, she could fall in love with him. She had been telling herself that for two years now.

“No, it’s alright.” They had almost reached the front of the queue. She opened her bag and searched for her ID. “What kind of party was this again?”

Something about the music from the 90s excited Sun way more than her. Yang would have loved it here. Blake took a deep breath. She had to stop thinking about her. She reached for Sun’s arm so she wouldn’t lose him in the crowd. For a brief moment she thought about taking his hand, but the thought alone felt wrong.

“There’s Weiss,” he said. “Come on, let’s go say hello.”

Weiss was leaning against the wall next to Pyrrha, sipping on her drink. Blake let go of Sun’s arm when they got closer. “Oh, Blake!” Pyrrha smiled at her. “I hoped you’d come.”

“Are Ruby and Yang here too?” Sun asked.

“This isn’t quite Ruby’s… thing,” Weiss said. “But Yang and Nora are here too. Nora is getting drinks and Yang said she needed some fresh air.”

Blake raised her eyebrows. “Fresh air?”

“Yes. I mean it is quite hot in here.” Weiss shrugged. “She probably left through the back door if you want to go looking for her. Neptune is working at the bar tonight, he’ll let you right through.”

“I’m not sure if…” She didn’t even know what to say. She didn’t even know why it didn’t sound suspicious to Weiss. It just didn’t sound right, didn’t sound like Yang at all. Usually she wouldn’t hesitate to follow her. “I’ll just go say hello.”

She waited for Neptune to be done flirting with a girl he served before she waved at him. He took a sip from his beer before he came closer. “Do you want a drink or are you looking for Yang?”

“Yang. Weiss said she went outside.”

He pointed at a door behind the bar. “The door at the end of the corridor.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you later.”

 

* * *

 

Yang tried to find something romantic about her situation, but this really was nothing but a dark alleyway behind the club, all on her own with a dumpster and a glass of rum coke. The smell of cigarettes and old beer made her feel sick.

She looked up when the door opened. Seeing Blake almost felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. She reached for her drink because she suddenly felt like she needed to have something to do with her hands. “Hey,” Blake said before she sat down next to her on the stairs that lead from the door to the alleyway.

“I didn’t know you’d come. Did Weiss convince you?” Yang had of course told her about their plans, but after Blake being too busy with studying to see her all week she hadn’t wanted to bother her too much.

“No, Sun dragged me along.”

Yang blinked. She wasn’t sure why it bothered her all of a sudden, but it did. “Oh,” she said, before she could realise it was the wrong thing. “What is he up to anyway? I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“The usual I guess. Annoying me in the library most of the time.” She was silent for a moment, but before Yang could come up with something to say Blake spoke again. “I guess I kinda thought this would be some sort of date.” 

Yang stared down at her glass. It felt like someone had knocked the air out of her lungs all at once. “A date?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. It just feels forced.”

“Maybe that means you shouldn’t date him.” The worst part was that she didn’t even know whether she said it because she genuinely wanted to help Blake or because she didn’t want them to date. It was stupid to be jealous of Blake having more success with her dating life than her. It was stupid and selfish. But she couldn’t help but to hate the thought of Blake very soon rather wanting to spend time with him than her. Tonight she had already picked him over her. “I mean if it doesn’t make you feel good.”

“I don’t know. I just… anyway. How have you been?”

“Fine.” She shrugged. She had been anything but fine, but she didn’t know how to say it.

“Sure?”

“Yeah.” She stared at her hands and shrugged.

“Do you think I should just do it? With Sun, you know? Go back inside, kiss him, sleep with him, try that whole relationship thing out until I like it.”

Her throat clenched and she didn’t know why. “You don’t even want to date him.”

“But what if I do?”

“Blake, this is stupid!” She hadn’t wanted to snap at her, but right now she felt like it was hard to contain her anger. “If you want to date him then just do it, but stop forcing yourself into something you clearly don’t want.”

“It’s not a reason to yell.”

“Then stop asking me whether you should date him or not, you know my answer.”

“Yang, what’s… why are you angry all of a sudden?”

“Because you keep running yourself into things you only think you should want without actually listening to my advice. Because you keep talking about your issues when I need you for once you’re too busy going out with Sun to be there for me for once.”

The silence was painful. Saying those things didn’t make her feel better, only brutally aware of how much it hurt without knowing why. Yang didn’t know what to say to make it undone, what she had said and the whole fight to begin with, so she got up. When she slammed the heavy door behind her she felt like she was breaking something incredibly precious to her just because of a stupid temper tantrum. “Hey, did Blake find you?” Neptune asked when she went back into the club. For a moment Yang felt like yelling at him too, but then she just clenched her hand to a fist and nodded before she turned away.

She shoved people aside while making her way through the club. Weiss and Ruby were still chatting with Pyrrha and Nora, and before Yang reached them she stopped. How was she supposed to pretend everything was alright now? She turned around and went for the exit. People were still queuing outside, a couple was sharing a cigarette. She just wanted to go home.

“Yang?”

She turned around. Weiss was quickly catching up with her. Yang turned around and kept walking. “I’m going home. I’m tired.”

“Are you alright?”

“Of course I’m okay! Why does everyone assume I’m not? Why can’t people just leave me the fuck alone for once?”

“Hey, no reason to yell at me.”

She stopped and forced herself to take deep breaths. “I’m not yelling at you. I just… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you have a fight with Blake? Are you mad at her?”

“How do you get that idea? I’m not mad, just trying to force yourself to date someone is not what I’d call _I’m too busy to talk to your right now because I’m studying with Sun_.”

“Okay, Yang, what’s going on?” Weiss crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I mean you don’t have to talk to me about it, but… I’m here, you look upset, and I want to help you.”

Yang stared at her feet so she didn’t have to look at her. “Well, that’s one person.”

“What do you mean?”

“I really would have needed someone to talk to and Blake was too busy to meet up with me all week but she has time to study with Sun or go on dates with him and it’s stupid of me to be that mad about it, I know that. But yeah, I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. No reason to worry about me, just go and...” She leaned against the wall next to her, just to have something to hold on to. The street was dark, and even though they weren’t too far away from the club almost empty.  “Just go.”

“Maybe she just didn’t get how much you really needed her, or it was a misunderstanding. I can talk to her if you want, or if you don’t want to talk to me I can call Ruby if you –“

“I can’t talk to Ruby about it.”

“Are you sure? She’s your sister, and she always tells me how you’re the one she can come to with everything that’s on her mind.”

Her throat ached with every breath from swallowing too many tears. “I’m her big sister. I can’t just… I never talk to her about my problems. I never talk to anyone about my problems. My mum died and it just felt like everything would fall apart if I didn’t keep it together, but I just never stopped trying to keep it together in front of everyone and then Blake comes along and for some reason I can talk to her about all the things I can’t talk about with anyone else and she can hold my hair while I throw up from drinking too much and it doesn’t feel wrong. She’s the only person where it doesn’t feel wrong. But then I actually need her and I ask her if I can talk to her and she’s busy hanging out with Sun instead, and now it does feel wrong, and now I do feel stupid for even wanting to talk to her about it.” She hastily tried to wipe the tears from her face.

“It’s not stupid,” Weiss said and handed her a tissue she must have hidden in some invisible pocket. “You know, I understand it in a way. In my family we never talked about feelings or anything like that. There’s a reason I hated it so much when people called me Ice Queen.”

“So we’re both screwed up. Welcome to the club.”

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that. I mean you found Blake and you can talk to her. It took me ages to admit I didn’t hate someone.”

“Only that she rather hangs out with Sun.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No”, she quickly said. “I mean even if she’s gonna start dating him, I’d be happy for her. I should be happy for her. She deserves dating a good guy like him. But I just think she doesn’t even want to date him. I just… you know, it’s stupid. I shouldn’t expect anything from her, I have no right to expect her to listen to my stupid problems. I don’t even know why I’m mad at her or why it upsets me that much, it never bothers me when any of my other friends don’t have time for me.” She used the tissue to wipe her nose. Crying was the thing she hated most. Once the tears came they just wouldn’t stop. “I mean who would I be jealous of? It’s not like I want anything from Sun, it’s not like Blake would stop being my friend. Maybe I’m just a selfish bitch who doesn’t want her best friend to date someone so we can be single and miserable together.”

“Yang, seriously. You’re the least selfish person I know.”

“Then please tell me why I’m mad at her and why I just yelled at her for no reason, I just… what is wrong with me?”

“It sounds like you’re just really, really stressed.” Weiss gently laid her hand on her shoulder. “You know, and then when you need her Blake is busy, so maybe you’re just projecting that stress on her.”

Yang sighed and wiped a few last tears from her face. “You really shouldn’t have taken that psychology class.”

“You don’t even want to know what Freud would have had to say about this.” Weiss gave her a soft smile. “What I really wanted to say is… you and Blake are a lot closer than you and I. I mean the two of you are probably closer than anyone of us, but if you need someone to talk, I’m here for you.”

She nodded and looked down at her hands. She had painted her nails red with Ruby, because Ruby had liked the colour and because it looked good on Raven. On her it didn’t look elegant but just like a clown. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just… with Blake it feels different.”

“Can’t you just go back inside and talk to her?”

“She’s mad at me. She should be. And I just don’t want to snap at her again. I don’t trust myself around anyone right now.” She was trying to find excuses and she knew that. “I’m scared I really screwed it up.”

“I can promise you that you didn’t.”

“Tomorrow. I just… I’ll give her some time.”

“Want me to take you home?”

“No, it’s fine.”

Weiss looked at her, and when Yang thought she was about to turn around and leave she pulled her into a hug. For a moment Yang didn’t know what to say, what to do. It was such an unusual gesture coming from her. “Please text me when you got home safely, okay?”

“Yes, I will.” Yang hesitated for a moment before she wrapped her arms around her in return. “Have fun and watch out for Ruby, okay?”

“We’re with Pyrrha, you don’t need to be worried.” Weiss pulled away to look at her. “You’ll figure this out,” Weiss said. “I’m sure you will.”

Yang nodded. She wanted to believe her.

 

* * *

 

> A Blog as Old as Time
> 
> Shattered
> 
> Friday, September 2nd, 2:14am
> 
> _“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”_  
>  _― L.M. Montgomery_
> 
> I can’t believe I let Loreley down like that. She needed me and what did I do? I was too caught up in my own stupid feelings to be there for her.
> 
> Maybe I’m both the beauty and the beast. To break the curse I have to love myself, and only then I can allow myself to love someone else. Only then can I be good for someone else and not a mess who hurts the people closest to me.
> 
> There’s no way I’d be ever good enough for Loreley anyway. I’m too complicated, too screwed up to be really there for her. She deserves someone much more stunning and much prettier than me. I should be glad she considered me a friend. If I’m lucky she’ll do it again.
> 
> I tried not to lose my best friend by bringing some distance between us, and that’s what made me lose her. I just never thought it would hurt this much.
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  Belle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to take this long to update the story, but this chapter was soooo hard to write. Originally things were supposed to happen differently, but that just didn't work out, and it took me a long time to realise that and to come up with how to change things up to make it work. But here it is! And only three chapters to go!


	6. Love

“Sure you don’t want to eat anything?” Sun asked.

Blake nodded. She hadn’t had much alcohol last night but that wasn’t what made her feel sick right now. Neptune used her answer as an excuse to shove more scrambled eggs onto his plate. Right now it was just the four of them, Sage, Neptune, Sun and her. Scarlet couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed, and the boys had been speculating about him not being alone all morning. Sun had only recently moved into this apartment, not far away from campus, and last night Blake had feared giving too much away in front of Weiss too much to go home, so she had slept on his couch.

She looked up when a door opened somewhere in the apartment, muffled voices and another door closing again. Footsteps before Scarlet came into the kitchen. “Oh, you’ve made breakfast,” he said. “Hey, Blake.”

“Did you have someone over?” Sage asked.

“No.” Scarlet turned on the coffee machine.

“Yeah?” Sage leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. “Then who’s using the shower right now?”

Neptune started to laugh, but Scarlet just groaned. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Anyone we know?” Sun asked.

“That big guy.” Scarlet took a cup from the sink and decided it was clean enough to drink from it.

“We didn’t need all those details.” Neptune rolled his eyes. “He wasn’t asking about his dick.”

“I wasn’t talking about his dick either. He’s the tallest guy on campus. I bet he could pick me up.”

“No dirty talk at the breakfast table,” Sun said.

“Yeah, there are straight people listening.”

Scarlet laughed. “Everyone knows you’re not straight, Neptune. Also I didn’t talk about sex, just about him being twice as tall and wide as me. Still not talking about his dick by the way.”

“I should probably go and pack my stuff,” Blake said and got up.

“Sorry if he scared you away,” Sage said. “I can make him stop.”

“No, don’t worry. I just really need to get some stuff done today.”

Sun’s room was messy and the shirt he had lent her to sleep in was still lying on the couch where she had left it after showering this morning. Spending the night at his place had made the thought of dating him utterly ridiculous. She probably wouldn’t date anyone in a while anyway. She took her phone and put her shoes on.

“Do you need anything else?” Sun asked when she left his room. He was standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall.

She shook her head. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

“The door is always open. Whether you need a place to stay or just someone to talk.”

She wanted to hug him for voicing the offer like that, but talking was the last thing she needed right now. Just being alone before she could hurt anyone else. “I’ll see you tomorrow in the library,” she said instead and turned around.

She almost ran into a tall man, right before she had reached the door. “Oh, sorry,” he said, a towel wrapped around his hips, but naked apart from that.

“Yatsuhashi.” They both took a step back. He awkwardly ran his hand through his wet hair. She had had some classes with him before she had switched her major, but never really had anything to do with him apart from that. “Didn’t expect you here.”

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah. Got work to do. Scarlet just made fresh coffee by the way.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled at him before she left. Pretending came way too easy to her.

 

* * *

 

 

> A Blog as Old as Time
> 
> Love
> 
> Tuesday, September 4th, 3:46pm
> 
> _"Can you really love such an ugly creature as I am?" said the rich beast faintly.  
>  ― Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve, Beauty and the Beast_
> 
> It’s scary how one bad thing can split your life into two parts – before and after. Leaving you so changed you feel like you’re not the same person entirely and with time the memory of who you were before faints.
> 
> I haven’t used the word Love for anyone since. It felt wrong, tainted, because I really thought I had loved Heathcliff, but I also knew that if this was love I didn’t want it. Have I used the word too lightly? But I was young and even though it still feels like I’m making up excuses, I know it wasn’t my fault. He always used to blame me for everything that went wrong in our relationship, giving me the feeling that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough or trying hard enough or just _enough_. It felt like I was lucky that he even laid his eyes on me, that be bore with me despite my mistakes, and even when I objectively knew he wasn’t good for me I couldn’t help but to feel guilty. That feeling stayed for a long time.
> 
> Maybe that’s why it never felt right using that word for Loreley. It always felt like by connecting her with Heathcliff I was spoiling what we had. But everything about my relationship with her has always been so different from what I had with Heathcliff and I think it hurts most that after all this time he still has that power over me. I freed myself but he still manages to spoil the pure warmth that is my friendship with Loreley. Sometimes it makes me so angry I can’t breathe.
> 
> Maybe the Beauty and the Beast metaphor doesn’t work for me anymore. Maybe my life is too complicated to compare it with a book. But the one thing I know for sure is that Heathcliff only made me hate myself, but if I really need to love myself first then Loreley is the only person who can really help me with that. Heathcliff made me believe all I was were my mistakes, but she made me forget them.
> 
> I’d do anything to let her give love a new meaning for me.
> 
> Three good things that happened today:  
>  \- I finished the drawing for Mathilda's binder and she told me she loved it  
>  \- Wearing my favourite knitted sweater for the first time this autumn (while running to the supermarket to get water, but it still counts)  
>  \- Having the room for myself for most of the day (living with Maud Lily is everything I could have hoped for and more, but being around other people all day long is challenging)
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  Belle

 

* * *

 

The library was the one place that never failed to drive her crazy. Yang stared at the book in front of her, reading the same line for the hundredth time. Weiss had dragged her and Ruby along. She had said it would make her more productive, but one thing Yang couldn’t deal with well was silence. Somehow she had always found it distracting. Yang looked up. Weiss looked like she hadn’t moved since they got here, still reading one of her books. The notes seemed to just appear out of nowhere, she had never seen her write something down. Ruby was typing something on her laptop, but at this point she was maybe just texting Penny about how bored she was.

The silence allowed her thoughts to drift off, and the dark thoughts she managed to push away most of the time got louder and louder. That she didn’t belong here. That she would never manage to force herself to study for the exams to come, that she’d never finish this degree.

And Blake.

Yang took one of Weiss’ sticky notes and scribbled _Gonna go get some coffee_ on it before she got up.

The queue wasn’t long, but Yang could easily pretend it was so she had an excuse not to come back for a bit longer. She sat down on the lawn in front of the library, sipping her coffee in the afternoon sun and trying to ignore the feeling of pushing off all her responsibilities.

“Can I sit down with you or do you want to be alone?”

She looked up. Ruby was holding a cup in her hands too. Her soft dark hair was messy from playing with it while she had been studying. “No, of course you can,” Yang said. “We don’t have to sit in the sun if you don’t want.”

“No, it’s fine, don’t worry.” She sat down next to her, turning her cup in her hands before she finally looked at her. “Are you alright?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Weiss said you had a fight with Blake.”

She took a deep breath. “She told you about it?”

“Well, kinda. Sun asked if you did when you just went home from the party and she refused to answer, so I figured… anyway, you’ve been different since.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine.”

“No, I’m not…” She sighed.  “You know, I always wondered if you were friends or more than that.”

“What?” She looked at her, looked down and then back up. A shiver was running down her spine. “We’re not… no, that’s ridiculous.”

“You have this way of looking at each other that makes everyone feel like they can’t ever possibly be even half as important to you.”

“Ruby, please don’t think anything could ever be less important to me than you.”

“It’s not like that. I’m not jealous, it’s rather… you know, it makes me happy when I see you like that. She seems to make you happy and you deserve that more than anyone else.”

“We’re not dating.” She clung to her coffee, trying to keep her hands from shaking. It felt wrong to talk about it with Ruby, but when she looked at her now, eighteen, in college, about to date someone herself, she couldn’t help but to think that maybe she was being too cautious. “I’ve never thought about her that way.”

“What was your fight about?”

“It was stupid. I overreacted and then snapped at her for no reason. I don’t know if I should call her or if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“I can’t imagine her not wanting to talk to you anymore. Maybe she only didn’t call you yet because she has the same doubts.”

“The worst part is that I don’t trust myself around her anymore. I don’t want to snap at her again, but I don’t even know why I reacted that way. I really don’t want to be mad at her. It felt horrible.” She sighed. “I’ll talk to her as soon as I get this stupid essay done. Maybe it’s just the stress.”

“I’m here if you wanna talk about it, you know?”

She sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I know.” This time she meant it.

 

* * *

 

The sunset was flooding the room with golden light. Blake was sitting on her bed, highlighting lines in her copy of Macbeth that could be useful in class, when Weiss came back from the library. She took her headphones off and watched Weiss unpack her bag. “How was it?”

“Great. I got more done than I thought I would.” Weiss pulled her laptop out of her bag and when she put it on the desk she almost dropped Blake’s tablet on the floor. “That was close,” she said. “I’m so sorry.” She shoved some of her books aside to make space for the tablet. The display had turned on while she had tried to catch it. “Hey, you’re reading that blog too?”

A cold shiver ran down her spine. “Blog?”

“A blog as old as time. I love it, she has such a beautiful way to write. Have you read her newest entry yet? I read it in my coffee break at the library and I – hey, why are you looking at me like that?” She furrowed her brow.

Blake didn’t know what to say. Someone she knew finding out about her blog had always been her worst nightmare. Her mouth felt dry while the panic made it hard to come up with a reply.

“Oh no.” Weiss dropped the tablet on the desk and looked at her. “No way, that’s your blog?”

She could feel herself blush. “I…”

“You’re in love with Yang!”

She bit her lip so hard she almost expected to taste blood. “Weiss, it’s –“

“No, now I’m talking!” She looked furious. “I can’t believe you still didn’t talk to her. Oh, it all makes so much sense now. So much sense. But this is unacceptable. How can you just let her walk away from you when she’s clearly good for you? And how _dare_ you to ever believe you’re not good enough or pretty enough for her? Yang would be mad about this and I am mad about it. She’s good for you and if you like her that way I’m pretty sure she feels the same way. It’s like watching a dog starve in front of full bowl.” She took a deep breath. “Please, for the love of god, talk to her.”

“It’s not that easy. What if I’d just… overstep boundaries, or pressure her into something she doesn’t want, I…” Her voice was shaking. “I never thought anyone would read that blog anyway, or that someone I know would ever find it.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go through your stuff.”

“I know, just… it’s not that easy.”

“Blake, I’m serious.” Weiss got closer and then sat down next to her on the bed. “You are wonderful and if Yang isn’t the stupidest person I know she’d be honoured to be your girlfriend. Please talk to her.”

“I wouldn’t even know how to say all these things in real life. Writing when you think no one is ever going to read it is one thing, but telling her? I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“But don’t you think it would be worth it? I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Weiss gave her a soft smile. “If she doesn’t feel the same way she’d still do everything to stay friends with you.”

“Yeah, probably.” She shrugged and looked away. “I’ll talk to her, okay?”

“I’m here if you need to talk about it, okay?” She got up again and took the water kettle, but before she had reached the door she stopped. “Hey, does this mean I’m Maud Lily?”

“Weiss, I’m really sorry, I never –“

“No, it’s just… I don’t understand that nickname. Ruby and Yang? Yeah, I get it. But mine? I mean I even looked it up because I was curious, but what do I have to do with it?”

“She’s a rich lesbian from an amazing historical novel. You should read it one time.”

“That’s… hey, no one really knows I’m gay. Did you tell anyone?”

“No one told anyone. You’re just pretty… obvious.”

“You know, that’s offensive,” Weiss said. Blake started to laugh. It felt so surreal, her worst fear becoming true and now she was even joking about it. Weiss pressed her lips together like she did when she really didn’t want to admit something was funny. “I’ll go get some water. Take your phone and text Yang.”

It sounded so easy, but when Blake took her phone she didn’t know what to say. How was she supposed to put everything into words? For some reason it was so much easier on her blog. But Weiss was right. She needed to talk to Yang, and maybe being upfront was the best solution. Just telling Yang how incredibly sorry she was for letting her down.

She just couldn’t stand not talking to her any longer.

She scrolled through her contacts until she reached Yang’s name. Before she could change her mind she typed in the URL to her blog and pressed _Send_.


	7. Rain

Yang stared at the screen in front of her. She didn’t know how long she had been scrolling through the blog, how often she had read every single entry. It had gotten dark since, Ruby had come home and left again to meet up with Penny, and the longer she waited the more pressured she felt to text Blake back, but what could she even reply to all of this?  

Love was such a strong word and usually she used it very lightly. She loved her family and her friends, sunshine and lemonade, the air right before dawn. But she had always struggled with romantic love. She had never been able to fall in love as quickly as others and her last relationship had ended years ago. The lines between friendship and love had always been blurred for her and when she thought about whether or not she was in love with Blake she thought _maybe_ and then _why not?_ and then _fuck_.

Yang closed her laptop. She couldn’t bear staring at the blog in front of her. She buried her face in her pillow and groaned. It made too much sense and felt completely overwhelming at the same time. It was easy to think about what would be best for others, but what did _she_ want?

If she was completely honest with herself the thought of dating someone scared her. But the thought of losing Blake scared her more. She sat up. It felt like if she didn’t talk to her right now she was going to explode, and if she didn’t go right now maybe she’d wait forever. For a moment she thought about getting changed, but Blake had seen her drunk and sick and on PMS, with greasy hair and in her worst pyjamas, so where was the point?

When she walked over the campus she was about to turn around and walk back home. She hated being anxious, she hated situations that made her anxious, she hated it when she was walking into a situation without having any idea what to do, and most of all she hated that Blake was the one who made her anxious right now. Blake who usually was her safe haven.

Someone was having a party in Blake’s dormitory. Yang could hear the music and voices when she walked upstairs, but she didn’t see anyone.  She knocked at Blake’s door before she could change her mind and then almost felt like running away. When Weiss opened the door she seriously considered it.

“Oh, Yang!” Weiss gave her a warm smile. Something moved behind her inside of the room.

“Can I… talk to Blake?” Yang asked.

“Yeah, sure.” Weiss looked around. “She’s just… she’s right there, just hasn’t taken her headphones off. You know, I’ll send her outside in a minute.” She closed the door again. Yang ran her hands through her hair and let out a long groan.

She heard voices behind the door. When it opened again it was Blake, staring down at her feet instead of looking at her. She was wearing her hair in a messy bun, but she hadn’t changed into a pyjama yet. Black had always looked good on her, and Yang couldn’t say that about anyone else. “Hey.”

“Can we… can we go somewhere and talk? This sounds so serious, I didn’t want it to sound that serious, do you wanna go grab a milkshake?”

“Yeah, sure. Let me just grab my jacket.”

They didn’t speak until they had left the building. The air was so cold she could see her breath. Yang buried her hands in the pockets of her jeans because she didn’t know what to do with them.  “I guess summer’s really over, huh?” She bit her lip. The weather? Really?

“Maybe we’ll get one last heat wave. You never know.”

“Oh, I hope we do, we really haven’t been swimming often enough this summer.”

“Use the last chance you have before I have to pull your drunk ass out of an ice cold lake again. I really thought you were dying.”

“Because you were drunk, too.” She chuckled. When she looked at Blake she was trying to hide a smirk, like she always did when she didn’t want to admit that what Yang had just said was actually hilarious. For a moment she wasn’t sure why she had been that worried, because this was still her best friend, the person she felt most comfortable with. This was still Blake. She quickly looked away.

Junior’s Diner was almost empty at this hour. They had to order their milkshakes at the bar and sat down in the last booth right in the corner, far away from the grumpy waitress. She sat down next to Blake before she could think about it. It was an old habit from countless hours they had spent here, sitting next to each other so they could stare out of the window, because why would she have to look at Blake when they could look at the world together? For some reason they were already playing Christmas jingles and Yang busied herself with eating the cream on top of her milkshake with a spoon because she didn’t know what to say.

“So, I have… I’ve read your blog.” She watched some sugar sprinkles slowly being swallowed by the rest of her cream. “I didn’t understand all the nicknames, I mean Maud Lily has to be Weiss, but why that nickname?”

“In the book she’s a rich lesbian.”

“Oh, yeah. Spot on.”

“I never would have posted anything online if I had known one of you would read it one day. I’m sorry if I –“

“No, it’s fine. Really, you have no reason to apologise. Not for… anything you wrote on that blog.” She stared at her milkshake. Maybe the cream was only there because it really didn’t look all that appetising without it. “Though, maybe you should apologise for… I mean I really don’t get how you can actually think you wouldn’t be good or pretty enough for me. That’s bullshit and you should know that.”

Blake took a deep breath. For a moment Yang was sure she had gone too far, that her words had come across as harsher than she had meant it. “I know,” Blake said eventually. “My ex-boyfriend used to say those kinds of things to me. Sometimes it just comes back.”

“I told you he was a jerk,” Yang said, softer now.

“Maybe I should have… told anyone else but you about him. Just so I could hear people say that more often.”

“I’ll say it as often as you want.” She finally dared to look up. Blake’s smile was almost invisible, but one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. She didn’t know how to put into words how she felt about Blake. Calm. Warmth. Something made her want to be around her, to stare at her, watch her smile. “I can’t believe you were jealous of Neptune,” she said all of a sudden.

Blake blushed and looked down. “I didn’t even know I was jealous at that time.”

“Neptune isn’t my type and he totally has a crush on Sun.”

The silence that followed was awkward, a question lingering between them and pressing the air out of her lungs when the longer she thought about it. The question of what would happen between them. Of how they would deal with the feelings Blake had admitted to her and Yang didn’t dare to think about. She stared at her milkshake again and all of a sudden she realised that it was up to her. Blake had told her how she felt and she was probably waiting for her to react, to show how she felt, but that was something Yang herself didn’t even know. Or did she?

“It’s kinda cute though,” Yang said eventually. Blake’s hand was resting on the table and she reached for it before she really knew if she should hold it or not, so she almost pulled it back before she laid it on the table next to Blake’s, her fingertips resting on the back of her hand. Her heart was pounding fast. It felt like the bravest thing she had ever done, but at the same time it was Blake, the only person who could make her feel nervous and calm at the same time.

“His crush on Sun or…” She didn’t complete her sentence, but when she looked up her smile was warm.

“Or. Definitely the or.”

Blake leaned forward and then she felt her lips on hers, soft and warm. It was a brief kiss, clumsy because Blake pulled away just as sudden, leaving Yang with the burning dissatisfaction of wanting more. She didn’t think anymore when she pulled Blake closer and kissed her again.

First kisses always had something equally awkward and exciting to them. Kissing Blake felt familiar and new at the same time. She didn’t know where to put her hands because there were so many places where she wanted to touch her, so she ran one through her hair and intertwined the other with hers.

“Sorry, I…“ Blake said when they pulled away from each other. “I didn’t mean to –“

“Well, I did.”

They looked at each other, Yang’s thumb brushing her cheek and then they both started to laugh. It was still Blake. Nothing felt awkward with Blake, at least not for too long. Blake leaned her head against her shoulder for a moment, her hair tickling Yang’s cheek. It felt strange how naturally it all came to her. Shouldn’t it be weird to be that close all of a sudden? But it didn’t, and maybe it was better not to think about it for too long.

When they left the diner the air outside smelled like rain. The wall that separated the pavement from the lawn barely reached to her knees but when Yang jumped up to walk on it, you couldn’t even call it balancing, Blake still took her hand to keep her from falling. Like she always did.

“I hate university,” Yang said all of a sudden. A single heavy raindrop hit her neck and ran down her spine. “I just hate it. I don’t want to go to my classes anymore, the thought of having to write exams at the end of the semester makes me sick already, and I just can’t see myself pulling through with it and finishing this stupid programme, but work just keeps piling up. Qrow is already worried, dad probably too, and mum just keeps telling me that I can do it and that I will make it. I shouldn’t be running after her, but what if I tell her I won’t make it and she’s disappointed? What if she doesn’t talk to me anymore?”

“You know she will.” Blake’s thumb softly brushed the back of her hand. “Is it just the workload?”

She took a deep breath. “I think I picked the wrong major.” Another raindrop hit her shoulder. “I mean I didn’t even really know what I wanted to do. I think I just went with social work because my uncle does it.”

“It’s not too late to change your major, you know?”

“How am I gonna explain that to my mum?”

“I mean I didn’t meet her often, but I think she’d be the more understanding one. With Qrow you’re just less scared he might start to hate you.”

“You already know her better than I do.”

“No, I’m just less biased and emotional about it. But I… you know, I understand it. I really do. When I came back home after six months of sleeping in crappy motels and trying to get married to a guy who was bad for me I thought my parents would hate me, but of course they didn’t.”

More raindrops hit her arms. She pulled Blake with her, seeking shelter beneath a large tree. “Maybe you’re right,” Yang said when they sat down next to each other. “So you think I should do it?”

“You’re unhappy. If there’s a chance changing your major would make you less unhappy then yeah, you should give it a try.”

She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Raindrops were hitting the earth now, one of those quick and heavy showers she had always loved about summer. She wanted to lean against Blake, but something was stopping her. She bit her lip. But if there was something she had learned it was that keeping things to herself never worked with Blake. “Do you think this is a good idea?” she asked. “The whole thing with you and me I mean. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like… but what if I stop feeling that way about you? I can’t even make up my mind about my major, what if I –“

“Yang.” Her voice was calm and gentle. “Only because you sometimes don’t know what you want doesn’t mean you can’t trust your feelings when you want something. So _if_ you want this then… trust that feeling.”

Blake wasn’t looking at her. Her black sweater was too big on her, but it always sat tight on Yang when she borrowed it. She always loved it on Blake because it sometimes slipped down one of her shoulders, exposing her collarbone and the strap of her bra. She wasn’t even sure if Blake realised it, but when it came to others she could be the most soothing person she had ever met. Right now she didn’t look anxious, not as anxious as Yang felt. For some reason that always calmed her down, because if Blake wasn’t anxious about something then there was probably no reason to be.

Yang sighed and stretched her hand out, brushing some strands of hair out of Blake’s face. When Blake looked at her she tried to give her a reassuring smile. “It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t panic about it, huh?”

“It wouldn’t be you if you wouldn’t panic about whether or not you’re going to hurt me before anything else.”  

Their next kiss was calm and gentle. For some reason it felt like she had never kissed anyone else and never wanted to kiss anyone else again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to get this done sooner, but university kept me busy. But hey, here it is! 
> 
> I actually really planned this chapter to turn out differently, but sometimes you just have to write and see what happens. I like the version I have now way more than what I originally had in mind. I hope you liked it! Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you did.


	8. Happy

> A Blog as Old as Time
> 
> Happy
> 
> Wednesday, October 31st, 1:13pm
> 
> _If I wait 'til it feels right_  
>  I'll be waiting my whole life  
>  ― Vance Joy – Like Gold 
> 
> It’s been a while since I’ve last posted an update here. If I’m completely honest I wasn’t sure if I’d ever come back. I have missed this blog, but it feels weird that people I know are reading it now. Maud Lily and Loreley have both said they wouldn’t read it if I didn’t want them to, but maybe I should give being more open about my feelings a shot for now. Though it feels good to know they won’t take it personally if I ask them not to read this blog anymore or switch to a new blog they don’t know about.
> 
> So much has happened since my last blog post that I don’t even know where to begin. I solved my issues with Loreley. I guess talking about it and being honest really does help sometimes. Maybe I should have talked to her sooner, but maybe I also wasn’t ready. But it doesn’t matter now. It worked out in the end and I wouldn’t change a thing.  
> 
> It took Loreley to make me realise that I didn’t even know what a relationship is supposed to feel like. I thought dating her would mean giving up the trust and friendship we had for something like what I had with Heathcliff, but I was so wrong. A relationship shouldn’t feel like a competition. It shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly trying to make it up to someone. It shouldn’t make you feel bad about everything you do and are. But dating Loreley didn’t destroy our friendship, it only grew.
> 
> I think the biggest flaw of dating another woman is all the hair. I have always loved Loreley’s curls, but with my long hair and hers it’s impossible to wake up in the morning without having your face full of hair, or even worse, the other lying on your own hair. But to be honest, I’d sleep in a bed full of her hair if that meant being close to her.
> 
> For the longest time I wasn’t even sure whether I was unhappy or not, I had just forgotten what happiness was. I think for the first time I look back to that dark time of my life without bitterness, because for the first time it doesn’t make me think about how much better I felt before. Now I just think about how much better I feel now. I can say that I am happy again with all sincerity. Loreley makes me happy.
> 
> I think I was right about being both the beauty and the beast. I really had to learn to love myself again, and no one could do that for me. But Loreley has helped me a bit and that’s why I love her.
> 
> Three good things that happened today:  
>  \- Waking up next to Loreley this morning (despite all the hair)  
>  \- Meeting up for coffee with Lancelot (and that I wasn’t right about losing him as a friend when I started dating Loreley)  
>  \- Finally meeting Mathilda’s girlfriend for the first time and finding out how lovely she is  
> 
> Sincerely,  
>  Belle

 

* * *

 

“Yang, _Revenge of the Sith_ is not a horror movie.” Ruby crossed her arms in front of her chest. “You know the rules, everyone gets to pick one scary Halloween movie. How is this one scary?”

“It’s scary because it’s bad.” Yang sat on her bed, hugging the bowl of chips like it was her most precious belonging. “Fear is subjective.”

“What did Blake pick?” Weiss asked.

“ _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies_.” Blake sat down next to Yang and stole a chip out of the bowl.

“I really expected you to hate that movie,” Yang said, running her hand up and down her spine.

“It’s trash, but it’s Jane Austen trash with zombies.” She moved closer and cuddled up to Yang, letting her wrap her arm around her shoulders. Something about the way Yang smelled made her want to bury her face in her sweater forever. “I’m not even a huge fan of Jane Austen.”

“Wasn’t that the one where she wants to marry that old dude but he already had a wife?” Yang put the chips on the bedside table and then leaned closer, placing soft kisses on her forehead and the tip of her nose.

“No, that was Jane Eyre. Different book, different author.” Her hand snuck beneath Yang’s sweater to tickle her sides. Yang laughed, but instead of flinching away she threw herself on top of Blake. They wrestled for a few seconds before Yang managed to pin her arms down above her head long enough to kiss her.

“You guys are gross,” Weiss said. “Come, Ruby. We’ll go ask Pyrrha if we can use her microwave to make popcorn. If you two aren’t fully dressed when we come back I will never talk to you again.”

Yang and Blake both started to laugh, but Blake felt her cheeks grow hot. Yang probably noticed too because she laughed harder and kissed them. “How about we get you Tinder?” Yang asked. “You’re the only single lady in our group now. We have to combine forces to get you a pretty girlfriend.”  

“Don’t you dare,” Weiss said, opening the door. “Ruby, come before they’re getting naked.”

“Is she jealous or just not used to anyone having fun?” Yang asked when they closed the door behind them. She let herself drop on the bed next to Blake. “She acts like she’s walking in on us having kinky sex every other day.”

“Are we really that bad?” Blake sat up, reaching for her glass of wine.

“Nah, don’t worry.”

Blake took a sip of wine and stroked some strands of hair out of Yang’s face. “How was family breakfast this morning?”

“You were right about everything.” Yang closed her eyes. Blake softly stroked her cheek. “Mum was actually… almost supportive. She said if I wanted to change my major then I should try it out and that she would keep paying for it. Qrow said it was a stupid idea to stop now that I’m so close to graduating, but ever since even considering not to finish this degree I’ve felt so relieved.” She sighed and sat up, looking at her fingernails. She had painted them red again. Blake liked the colour on her. “I mean maybe I’m just lazy and giving up too early.”

“I don’t think you are. You’re not giving up after three weeks of university, you’ve pushed yourself through this programme for two years now.”

Yang looked at her, biting her lip. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Blake put her wine glass on the bedside table again and then moved closer until she could wrap her arms around Yang from behind. “What’s the point in doing this degree just to prove to others that you can?”

“What would I do without you, Blakey?” Yang sighed and Blake felt her relax in her arms. “I also called dad. He said I should spend the semester visiting all kinds of lectures to see what interests me. I thought about engineering. I’ve always been good at math.”

“Sounds good.” Blake kissed her cheek. “Mum asked if you want to visit us for New Year’s Eve.”

“Of course she did, your mum loves me.” Yang smirked. “Of course I’ll come.”

“I’m so sorry if my dad acts like you’re a douchebag trying to steal his daughter.”

“He loved me last time I visited you. I don’t think he’s gonna be angry at me for too long.” She reached behind and ran her hand through Blake’s hair and over her scalp. She loved it when Yang did that. It was the only thing that really made her calm down after a nightmare. “I’ll be fun. Trust me, by the time I leave your parents are gonna beg you to marry me.”

“I can already see you getting drunk with my dad and making bad jokes all night long.”

“See? I really fit into your family already.” She turned around, gently pushing her down onto the bed so she could rest her head on Blake’s chest. Blake stroked some of her hair out of her face and wrapped her arms around her again. “It’ll be fine. Adam has set the bar pretty low, your parents are gonna love me. And even if they’re embarrassing, you’ve met my dad. We’ll make it through it together. Even if your dad makes me sleep in the guest room and I have to sneak into your bed at night.”

“Even he has to admit that would be stupid, last year we shared a bed too.”

“See? They’ll be glad they know I’m not a shitty edgelord who wants to steal their daughter.” Yang reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers. “I mean I kinda want to steal you, but not like that.”

Blake smiled and ran her hand through Yang’s hair. Before she could say something the door to their room opened again. “I hope you’re dressed,” Weiss said. She was carrying a bowl of popcorn in her hands. “We decided we want to watch _Warm Bodies_ now.”

“You realise that one’s really, really bad?” Yang said, not moving away an inch from Blake.

“You realise I don’t care about your opinion,” Weiss said. “Ruby said it’s not that scary and very romantic.”

“We need to ease her in.” Ruby sat down on her bed. “She has never watched a horror movie after all.”

“Just start the movie or we’ll end the night without having watched a single one.” Blake sighed and pulled Yang closer. Something about the situation made her want to smile and she buried her face in Yang’s hair so no one would see. She was at university, spending Halloween in the arms of her girlfriend, the greatest person she had ever met, watching trashy horror movies with her best friends. It was warm and casual and wonderful.

For the first time since forever she believed like she actually belonged here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update to make up for not updating for so long! 
> 
> I'm really happy this story is finally finished. I loved writing it and wrapping it up makes me really happy. Thank you soooo much for everyone who has left comments and Kudos on this story (or anyone who still will). I'm not sure if you have any idea how much your comments have meant to me, but they're really what kept me going. I wouldn't write fanfictions without you.
> 
> But worry not. I am already working on my next Bumblebee fanfiction! It will be called Lavender Honey and involve the Bees as well as some pretty good STRQ family drama. And a wedding. I'm not sure when I'll start posting it (definitely August but who knows), but it will be so much fun and there are so many awesome things in it so stay tuned! 
> 
> And last but not least, if anyone's curious, Like Gold by Vance Joy totally inspired the title to this story. I love this song to death. 
> 
> Thanks for reading my story! I hope you had half as much fun as I did while writing it.


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